normal-horoscopes:

Aries: You are the zulu spear in a telemarketers neck. Unexpected, and mercifully quick.

Taurus: You are the fistfight in the chuck-e-cheese. Far more fun than you have any right to be, honestly.

Gemini: You are the creepy mannequin at the target. Equal parts pretty and unsettling. 

Cancer: You are the blood spattered harmonica. There is a strange story behind you.

Leo: You are peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut with a hatchet. Fashioned of the same stuff, but in a more interesting way.

Virgo: You are the substitute teachers broken collar bone. Mysterious, a source of gossip perhaps?

Libra: You are the Druid at Disneyland. Having a lot of fun under your terrifying mask.

Scorpio: You are the newest drug sweeping the nation. A source of panic for good christian mothers.

Sagittarius: You are the exposed nipple at the PTA meeting. Unintentionally the most fascinating thing in the room.

Capricorn: You are distant booming laughter. Foreboding, but quite the nice time.

Aquarius: You are a hijacked forklift. A tiny, yet gleeful, force of destruction. 

Pisces: You are the barrel of antlers at the antique shop. Full of the prettiest parts of many dead things.

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